A Gentleman's Guide

It's clear that men need to recapture the essence of manhood. We have been so emasculated over time that a major recalibration is in order. The author of A Gentleman's Guide to Manners, Sex, and Ruling the World, S.K. Baskerville, attempts just this in showing that his quote from Emerson "Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members" is more true than probably anyone ever realized. He likely shows this best toward the end of the book where he talks about marriage, family, and divorce.

Baskerville consults his predecessors over the ages to come up with general gentlemanly guidelines, and what he means by a gentleman is how every man should aspire to act. I was not part of his intended audience. The book was clearly written for young men, and much to my denial of physical reality I haven't been in that category for a while. However, I read the book with keen interest because I too want to know how I can be a better gentleman. Baskerville implies that our emasculation has been going on for so long that even manly men may not be aware of how they have been compromised. And doubtlessly all of us have been compromised at some level by modern notions of masculinity that denigrate true masculinity. "Manhood has always been something that must be achieved and proven, and it always will be" says our author. "Today your manhood is threatened by a hostile culture and an aggressive political climate that resents masculinity itself, demonizes it as "toxic" and seeks to diminish, "redefine," or even eradicate it altogether". Regarding our 'woke' culture (a term he doesn't use), he says that "You may object that you do not endorse "political correctness" and even ridicule it. This is unlikely. For we are all acculturated to it, however little we may realize it. Realizing how far our own minds are enslaved to today's culture is the first step in emancipating ourselves from it." The denigration of manhood has caused the denigration of society, and this book explains why.

First, let's be clear who gentlemen are: "The appellation of Gentleman is never to be affixed to a man's circumstances, but to his behaviour in them." That's a 1710 quote from a man named Richard Steele. The point being made is that gentlemen aren't born so because they have a title or money, but become gentlemen by their actions. Basterville says that "Being a gentleman means that you must resolve to adopt a code of behavior that will change not only the way you behave but the way you think of yourself, the way you comport yourself, the way you interact with others, and the way others perceive you. You must adopt behavior that will put you above even the suspicion of reproach, and you must make it a habit." Every man can and should strive to be a gentleman because gentlemen know and understand their purpose, and these men drive civilization. The author talks about how leadership is inseparable from manhood: "Your first duty is to protect yourself, your family, and others close to you, and often what you will need to protect them from are the unintended discomforts and dangers that result because of all the other would-be leaders who are endeavoring to change the world and make it a better place." "Leadership is about stepping into the role when no one else wants it. It is about assuming responsibilities that no one else will take on. True leadership requires sacrifice and courage, not glory."

Baskerville personally went after me - or at least he certainly hit a nerve. By my own volition I uprooted my family and ended up taking on unpaid domestic chores to help my elderly parents. Now that may sound admirable to some - at least it did to me at the time - but it came at the expense of my own very young family. I also began to question my qualifications and ultimate usefulness in what I was doing. Although our author doesn't specifically address taking care of extended family and was only speaking about house work, it still reverberated: "None of this [domestic duties] will make you a gentleman; it will make you despised. You have other responsibilities that are more appropriate and important and from which these will only distract you." He goes on to say what matters are important and require time and focused attention and "If you fail in them because you have been spending your time washing the dishes, others will pay the consequences as well as you, and no one - least of all your wife and children - will thank you for it." There is a time and place to help family. "Honor your mother and your father" the Bible tells us, but as important as that is, it wasn't appropriate the way I did it.

Although understanding the decline of gentlemanly behavior is important, Baskerville didn't write the book to "bemoan the sad state of our times or lament all the impolite and ungentlemanly conduct in the world" or to "nag or scold [ ] into correct behavior". Instead, "more important is doing, and our emphasis here will be on what you must do." "Your appearance and comportment are the first impression people have of you, and they color everything else." We all know this, but must of us don't care. We should. I wonder how much this would go to civility in our country today if we dressed better. "Respectable attire conveys respect to others and therefore commands respect for ourselves." Conversely, "overly informal attire is not only adolescent and, at worst, slovenly; it is also androgynous." The last thing a gentleman ever wants is to look androgynous because "it diminishes your distinct status as a man". He later doubles down: "Again, dressing like a child means reverting to the gender neutrality of childhood, and "gender neutrality" is always at the expense of men because it denies the importance of masculinity and masculine achievement. Proper dress conveys not only seriousness and professionalism but also masculinity. It is no accident that the more formal dress becomes, the more sex-specific it is, whereas informal clothing is almost indistinguishable between men and women, or boys and girls. Wearing a coat and tie not only shows respect to others; it also declares your readiness to accept responsibility in general and the specific responsibilities of manhood..."

Baskerville goes on to explain how men should behave in introductions, conversation, writing, public speaking, going out, meals, and gratuities. He talks about gentlemen and their vices such as smoking, alcohol, and gambling. He discusses walking and bicycle etiquette, how to ride in cars, trains, buses, and airplanes. Our author laments the banning of fox hunting and touches upon other gentlemanly sporting activities including the use of firearms. He talks about how "At one time, being a gentleman was inseparable from service to one's country, as expressed in the phrase, "an officer and a gentleman." He quotes Thomas Jefferson as saying, "Every citizen [should] be a soldier. This was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free state."

In discussing the Church, Baskerville says that "A gentleman is a moral leader" and the "Church is the logical institution for exercising this moral responsibility." He further states, "Like the family, the church serves as an alternative to the state, and therefore its authority is a potential limit on the power of the state, which otherwise becomes tyrannical. It is in your interest to strengthen churches and exercise leadership within them." Why is this alternative to the state necessary? "One major role of religion is to help you understand...that fixed principles and convictions that have been shared and tested for centuries, even if you do not fully understand them right away, usually contain more wisdom than your own momentary and transitory opinions." And "in every culture, religious faith provides the principal basis for regulating sexuality, relations between the sexes, and marital and family life...it is no accident that the status of men has deteriorated directly alongside the status of religion."

Baskerville touches upon philanthropy, education, literature (Shakespeare pretty much covers it), history, philosophy, and music. He moves on to art and architecture, science and mathematics, and foreign languages (at least one modern foreign language needs to be known and at least a little of the ancient ones).

His strongest chapter might be on Women and Family Life, because he understands that "Relations with women are inevitably at the heart of manhood" and that "Women are the foil against which a gentleman defines himself." Baskerville goes after today's disorienting sexual-political agenda because "it is a formula for open-ended expansion of the government's power. The claims of feminists and others who want to politicize the relations between men and women that they are "oppressed" (by you, never forget) rationalizes ever-increasing power for politicians, judges, lawyers, and functionaries. This power is for use against men like you." He asserts that "Men serving as heads of families are the principal rival to, and check on, government power." Women, like men, Baskerville says, crave power but unlike men they can get it "through their relationship with a man, or they can achieve it on their own". He notes a contradiction: "women want strong, powerful, and masculine men" but "they are not immune from craving power purely for themselves, which ultimately must come into conflict with that of their naturally more powerful men. Thus, they are willing to emasculate the very men whose power they admire and desire, whereupon they will then despise the men for their weakness." Baskerville discusses women's need for protection and how men have become the enemy. "If they do not feel protected by you, they will demand to be protected from you. No third option is possible, and they can and will find any number of champions either among other men or (more likely today) among the state officialdom to make sure that they are, and that means the penal apparatus: police, courts, and jails." Additionally, women need to be provided for, and he expressed a dire warning of what could happen if the wrong woman is married: "...she can quit her job at will, but you will remain responsible for paying off the mortgage and the car loan. She can leave the marriage at any time, and you could pay, in addition to mortgage and car, spousal support. Once she is pregnant the same woman who previously asserted her independence will have no hesitation about demanding a monthly government-coerced child support check from you..."

If all this sounds like good reasons not to get married one would be taking away the exact wrong lesson. "I do not say these things out of a desire to be "sexist" (a meaningless word). I say them because you must have no illusions if you wish to live like a man. You must accept the responsibility to protect and provide for any woman. It is therefore critical to choose a woman who acknowledges this and accepts the traditional rules and division of labor, rather than one who wants to assert her "equality" (another meaningless word in the relations with the sexes) and "independence." A good marital choice would be a woman "who accepts the virtues of modesty and chastity and who wants to be courted." Yes, courted, and Baskerville devotes some pages discussing courtship and dating. "Courtship should never end. Once you marry, continue the process." Although this may sound quaint and old fashioned, Baskerville does not withhold punches about what he believes will lead to good marriage and family life. Not only that, ultimately there can't be gentlemen if there aren't any ladies. And what is a lady? "A lady...has not opinions but fixed principles, beliefs and convictions. She may be quiet about them most of the time, but, when tested, she will stick to them, even against you."

Baskerville discusses the need to rein in sexual impulses, saying that "Sexual self-control lies at the foundation of every successful civilization". He contrasts Islamism - the most radical form of Islam which is obsessed with sex - unfavorably with Puritanism, saying about the former "This deadly ideology seeks to impose a superficially similar but far more extreme puritanism with much less successful results, creating societies of instability, stagnation, and of course terror. And yet their superior level of self-control may be putting Western society at their mercy. Not only getting sex under control but how we get it under control is vitally important." Our author astutely observes "When sex becomes the dominant currency in a society, then that society becomes dominated by people who can control the market in sex and effectively use it as a tool and a weapon to increase their power. This is not heterosexual men, who have nothing to gain and everything to lose. It is women, especially politically radicalized women, and, more recently, militant homosexuals and transgenderists who will get the upper hand, many of whom do not like men like you." It may be unfair (a word gentlemen eschew) but "Social stability demands the sexual discipline of women more than that of men. We can see the reasons today all too plainly, as single-mother homes are exploding and, with them, the welfare rolls and bankrupted governments and taxpayers. Armchair moralizers quickly blame this on male irresponsibility. Male irresponsibility plays a part, but a small part. The decisive factor is female irresponsibility." If this sounds like blaming the victim, consider this: "If 95 percent of the males are chaste, the remaining 5 percent can sire as many bastards as the entire 100 percent together, if the women are willing. If 95 percent of the females are chaste, the problem is under control." Men are certainly not absolved for our current troubles and have played a huge role in it, but biology speaks for itself. "A promiscuous woman cheapens the currency of sex." Baskerville says. "This is why, contrary to feminist victimization dogma, the main enforcers of the sexual double standard are women, and a promiscuous woman is far more likely to be labeled a "slut" and ostracized by other women than by men. She makes it more difficult for other women to use their sexuality as leverage to get good men (i.e., gentlemen), which is what sensible women do."

If a gentleman is to avoid the divorce courts (which are stacked against him) and accusations of sexual harassment and other problems, "avoid feminist-inclined women. Do not pursue them, and do not associate with them." However, if a good woman is found "Marriage offers a chance to start over, and it is a good idea to take advantage of this. What was said before about any man being capable of being a gentleman, regardless of how humble his origins, is aided by marriage. Marriage helps you to not look back." Once the knot is tied, "sex outside of marriage hurts no one so much as it hurts you. This is because the most important role of marriage is to create fatherhood. Marriage exists so that children can have fathers." "Our legal system long insisted that marriage, not sperm, designates the father. The legal standard stipulated that a child born within wedlock is presumed to be that of the husband, because it enabled a marriage to survive the wife's adultery." Of course that is no longer the case and since the advent of DNA testing will undoubtedly never return, but for the stability of society Baskerville makes a good case that this standard should return. "Marriage is still the only thing that gives you the authority of a father. Without this lifelong commitment, you are simply a sperm donor whom the mother and the courts can and mostly likely will discard at whim." It is exactly because of the stability of the family that our author attacks feminism. "For feminists, wielding political power conflicts with family life and is an alternative to it, not an extension of it. It is driven by pure thirst for individual power." Baskerville ends this section with a warning. "So you have a stark choice: either assume your natural role as voluntary enforcer of the rules - those that are tried and true - over yourself and those you love, or submit yourself and your family to the rule of the feminists and police."

As far as children go, "For most of us, having children is part of what it means to be a complete human being" and " A gentleman honors what he owes to both past and future generations. He acknowledges what he has inherited from those before and his stake in the well-being of others after he is gone." Being a father also gives perspective: "There is nothing like being a parent to teach you the difference between what really belongs among your own essential responsibilities and what is none of your business." At one time many children were perceived blessings. "Training up those who will contribute to the household economy, and gradually assume responsibility for it, was a major incentive for a gentleman to pass on his values as well as his wealth." But things have changed today. "[T]he harsh reality is that children's lack of economic value has resulted in a serious deterioration of their status and lives. Now they are ruthlessly exploited as pawns in games of power played by grown-ups" This has been devastating. "For a man today there is one critical rule to remember: once you have a child, you lose all your rights. And I mean all of them. The moment a child is born, he is the property of the state, and he resides with you and you raise him at the pleasure of government officials." So why should we men persist in wanting children? Because "a gentleman does not cower or retreat permanently in the face of the enemy." And allowing fear "to deprive you of this most basic of human and civilizational needs puts you in a posture of habitual submission." Baskerville is clear that "Fatherhood and civilization are created together. Lose one, and you lose both."

Regarding finances, "The family is the most basic economic unit of society; in fact, it is the only such unit that produces general prosperity. If it is not a unified economic unit, then it is not a family." Unified means no separate bank accounts for spouses (a possible exception would be a small sum exclusively attached to the wife as protection against business risks or bad tendencies of the husband such as drinking and gambling).   

In concluding the book, Baskerville says that "the Rights of Man alone can never protect you from the Reign of Terror, because the same people who first issue the Rights are the ones who later instigate the Terror. Before they terrorize, they first corner the market on the rights - and the corresponding grievances, disarming their victims of any right to complain." We can bow down to the tyranny of the state that destroys our families or "Your other option is to stand up right now and begin indeed to act like a man. You must claim the moral high ground and start to stand up for yourself, for other men, and for women, children, and everyone else. You start to be a leader. You start to be a man." In order to do this "You will need to abandon the default status, which is passive and quasi-female, and adopt a proactive mind. You will start to think differently about yourself and about the world." This could not be more important, because "If you want to restore your status as a man, you must accept your role in reestablishing the rules. There are no shortcuts. You cannot regain the status of a man while enjoying the pleasures of an adolescent." Men need to understand the rules, embrace the rules, and enforce the rules that lead to the health and well-being of the family. In order to do this we need to "Stop rebelling. Stop adopting the stance that the world is unfair and that it is your job to take every opportunity to tell the world why it is so unfair." "The time for rebellion was adolescence, and the person to rebel against was your father, whose job it was to teach you how to rebel responsibly and constructively." "Ironic as it may seem sometimes, you [men] are still, and you are always and inevitably, the one being rebelled against, even if you no longer have any power." "So stop complaining and start acting your age and your role. You have a stake in the world, and you are responsible for what you pass on to the next generation."